My Mom Is Dating A Sex Offender

GOOD QUESTION

I’m second guessing myself and really need your advice. My mother is currently dating a level 3 sex offender* she’s been with him for two years.

I found out after she unintentionally mentioned to a relative that he had been to prison. When she wouldn’t elaborate on why he went to prison, this relative found it odd and contacted me to let me know. At the time, my mom had been helping to care for my kids by picking them up from school and serving as an emergency contact. I looked him up online and found all of his mugshots as well as his name on an offender registry. Mom hid this info, as far as I know, everyone. This man had been in my home several times, and my kids and I had spent Thanksgiving with him at my mom’s.

I was enraged, and scared that perhaps my children had been abused by him. After talking with my husband and verifying with my kids and their pediatrician that no abuse had taken place, I confronted my mom with the help of the family member who told me about the boyfriend. My mother’s initial response was defensiveness, accented by a half-hearted apology. She said she believed he was on drugs in the past and he wouldn’t do that again, he’d become a different person, etc. She later told family that I was keeping the children away from her, without explaining why. I had to remove her from the children’s emergency contact list; after this whole thing blew up she showed up at the kids’ school unannounced, which my son told me about.

Here’s where I keep second guessing myself: I have not taken my kids to see her without me. She keeps asking to see my kids but won’t actually talk to me about anything meaningful. I have visited her with the kids in the park or at a restaurant or with my husband in tow. Truthfully, I don’t want to engage her at all. I don’t want my kids to be near her. I don’t trust her. My husband feels the same as me but also tends to avoid tense situations and hasn’t really put much skin in the game. I know she loves them, but I feel she is sick and can’t or won’t realize how dangerous it is for the children and how she has betrayed me yet again.

I feel guilty that I may be preventing the kids from having a relationship with her and they may resent me later. But, I have to protect them. I have explained to them why Grandma isn’t safe. The oldest, my 11 year old, understands and tries to comfort me when I’m bursting into tears about the whole thing. I feel like I have to protect myself and the kids from this ongoing pain.

Family members are not confronting her about this. I don’t feel supported by my maternal family in my decision to keep away permanently. It seems as if they are considering this situation a “me” problem. They say that I’m angry and in pain but it’s used in a way that is dismissive to me. I also feel that whole YOU ONLY HAVE ONE MOTHER thing, but she’s not okay. Why are they enabling her? I don’t think I’m asking anyone to choose sides however I don’t believe its a “me” problem and I’m fucking sick of feeling all this grief, anger and pain.

Am I seeing this wrong?